5 Pranks That Were Funny And 1 That He Regretted
by LoveWithoutLimits
Summary: They should of known that pranking eachother was never going to end well. Slash, Kirk/Bones. Prompt from lj kink meme.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek**

**Warnings : Slash**

**AN1: Un beta'd, all mistakes are my own. **

**AN2 : Written for a prompt at the Livejournal Star Trek Kink Meme.**

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I.

Jim would swear up and down that the first time was NOT planned, but who was he to turn down a perfect opportunity when it presented itself. It hadn't really taken much to get Bones onto the shuttle. A bit of eyelash bashing and wandering hands and the man had gotten on board pretty easily, albeit some half hearted grumbling.

"You crash and I will personally come back and haunt you!" Bones growled, strapping himself into the passenger seat as Jim fiddled with the instruments. Jim rolled his eyes and gave his lover and supportive pat on the shoulder.

"I'm not going to crash Bones, I'm too good looking to die." Jim teased. Bones muttered something he couldn't catch but he'd bet there was a 'Dammint Jim' in there somewhere.

"Hold on tight." Jim grinned as he pulled them clear of the clock, pushing the speed as soon as they were in open space, the clouds flittering calmly past them. Bones hands gripped at the arm rests, even two years at the Academy had yet to dispel his fear of flying. Jim smiled and laid a hand over the mans, which Bones promptly grabbed hold over, lacing their fingers.

It was only after an hour in the air that Jim got his brilliant idea, when Bones had finally started to relax in his seat. In true Jim Kirk fashion, there was no thought before action.

Pushing forwards on the controls, the shuttle lurched downwards, a flick of a button sending them twirling through the air. Jim laughed as they flew, loving the feeling of the unpredictability.

"Damnit Jim" Stop it!" Bones shouted over the whirl of the engine, eyes wide with panic even as he tried to slam them shut.

"Come on, where's your sense of adventure?" Jim beamed, bringing them soaring back upwards.

"Down there with my stomach." Bones grimaced, pushing back into his seat as if it would somehow slow them down. "Stop it!" He cried again. "Jim, _please!_"

Jim slowed the shuttle back down to normal as Bones voice wavered, a guilty smile spreading across his face. It was worth the murderous glare that promised painful things to ruffle his usually gruff lover. It was even worth the fingernail indents now dug into his hand, still grasped within Bones.

II.

If there was one thing Bones hated more than a cocky Jim Kirk, it was a cocky Jim Kirk who thought he'd gotten one over on someone. Bones wasn't sure whether he wanted to drown or choke the kid after the shuttle incident, though both seem like very pleasing options.

In the end he did neither, deciding for once to take a leaf out of Jim Kirks very extensive book. After all, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and he could think of nothing sweeter than giving Jim a taste of his own medicine.

It took little over a week to steal what he wanted from the Academy's medical centre. Finding it wasn't the hard part, but it was more than his life was worth to get caught smuggling it out. He had considered simply buying some from a chemist off campus but no, he knew the results would be so much more pleasing from the higher concentration version only kept in hospitals.

Bones grinned to himself as Jim disappeared into the bathroom, no doubt prettying himself up in the mirror. Getting up as quietly as he could manage, he pulled a small vial from his pocket and walked over to where Jim had left his half drunk mug of coffee.

"This'll show you. Smug bastard." bones muttered, pouring the contents of the vial in to the mug before hurriedly moving back to his seat on the bed.

"Say something Bones?" Jim asked as he padded back into the room, downing the last of his drink before shoving on his shoes.

"Nope." Bones voice trembled as he tried hard to keep from busting up laughing, his hands shaking on his knees. Jim gave him as odd look before shrugging and leaning forward to give him a quick kiss.

"See you after classes." He called as he left the dorm for his days lessons.

Bones lasted all of half a minute before he doubled over laughing, clutching his sides as tears streamed down his face. He fell limply from the bed as laughter continued to spring from his mouth at the very thought of Jim.

He didn't get to see the pay off for himself (the first time and only time he ever regretted not signing up for advance hand to hand combat). The rumours and teasing that followed was enough to keep him entertained for weeks though.

Jim only found the bottle labelled 'high concentrate laxatives' when he tripped over a bin a week later, a wicked smiled forming after he got over the initial shock. _Busted Bones. _

III.

Bones should of known something was amiss when Jim insisted on following him to work that morning. Usually Jim made better use of his free day to have some fun, catch up with some friends from his classes.

"You hate hospitals." Bones reminded him as he changed into his scrubs.

Jim shrugged, not so subtly eyeing Bones as the muscles on his back moved under the skin. "I like hanging around with you more."

Anyone else might of found that sort of statement endearing, Bones knew his lover far better than that. Raising an eyebrow at the man, he pinned Jim with his most serious 'don't bullshit me kid' look.

Jim so did not shrink under that look. "Look, Carter's out with his girlfriend, Chad's visiting his sister and the others have an exam to study for. I'd rather not hang about alone."

Bones face softened as Jim spoke and he couldn't help but forget why he was annoyed at the man. It always got to him when Jim spoke like that, reminding Bones how much he hate being alone, no doubt because of his childhood. He didn't say anything until he has pulled the man into him, kissing him as he held a strong arm around his back.

"Come on, I'm going to be late."

He didn't see Jims grin as he eagerly followed behind the man. It was a credit to Jim charm how he could get away with following a Doctor around when really he shouldn't even be there. Bones was impressed, although he wouldn't say it, that Jim actually behaved. He was even occasionally helpful, calming down a patient with a joke or passing him a piece of equipment.

It was only an hour before the end of his shift that Bones realised why he never let Jim come to work with him. He was sent down to see a patient about a supposed broken arm during a combat class and Jim was walking behind him, smiling like a loon.

"What!" Bones snapped, eyeing the man cautiously.

"Nothing." Jim said sweetly.

Bones glared and stalked off, he didn't have time for the mans games. Putting on his Doctors face as he walked round the curtain, he got the information he needed from his patient, _" didn't see it coming, could have had the guy otherwise" _and reached into his pocket for his tri corder.

"Where-" He started to say before it was shoved in front of his face, attached to the rather expectant looking face of Jim. Bones tutted, grabbing the instrument and flipping it on, running it over the arm of the patient in front of him.

"_James Kirk is smarter than Leonard McCoy."_

Bones eyebrows shot up into his hairline as the tricorder blinked the message across his screen. His fingers tapped the buttons until it disappeared, shaking his head and trying again.

"_Jim Kirk can't be beat, bow before him!"_

Bones teeth clenched together as he glared over at his lover, who was determinedly staring the other way, a grin fighting to break over across his face.

"_Jim Kirk is irresistible and Leonard McCoy knows it!"_

"DAMNIT JIM!" Bones roared as Jim fell about the floor laughing.

The patient look on nonplussed, fearing his Doctor and friend had lost their minds. His arm didn't seem so important anymore as he slowly crept away.

IV.

"This is ridiculous!" Jim cried exasperated as he stood in front of the replicator in his room. He punched furiously at the buttons and voice his meal order again, tapping his foot as he waited for it to appear.

"The hell!" He snapped, flinging his hands up in the air as his order came out wrong yet again. Gritting his teeth he picked up the bowl and placed it roughly in the bin that was quickly filling up. "Of all the stupid thing to happen." He muttered, dropping down on the edge of the bed with a huff. He was hungry damnit and the blasted thing just wouldn't co operate. He vaguely considered trying to cook something himself but cooking wasn't one of his strong points, and he didn't think Bones would appreciate him burning their dorm down.

He had tried opening the replicator up and fiddling around with the inside, since he was very good at that sort of stuff when he needed to be, but no. That hadn't helped either. He had tried ordering a hundred different things and that hadn't changed the outcome.

Jim looked up sadly as he heard the door to the dorm sliding open, his face a picture of a kicked puppy as Bones walked into the room. Bones snorted as he caught a look at Jims face, arms crossed and clearly sulking on the bed.

"What's wrong with you?" He chuckled, chucking his stuff on the nearest chair.

"I'm hungry Bones!" Jim whined like a five year old child.

"And? Order something." Bones shrugged, stripping over his uncomfortable uniform and changing into something looser fitting.

"I've tried!" Jim pouted. "But it just keeps giving me this horrible green stuff."

"Green stuff?" Bones half asked, half sighed.

"LIMA BEANS!" Jim exclaimed. "It keeps giving me lima beans, I _hate_ lima beans!"

"Lima beans?" Bones snorted, his bottom lip trembling with the effort not to laugh. Jim huffed and glared up at the man.

"Bones, I'm hungry, do something."

Bones sighed and walked over to the replicator, all the while his insides were screwed up with the effort to keep a straight faced. He was actually surprised that Jim hadn't found a way to work out what he had done.

"Replicator, coffee." He said as normal as he could. Within seconds a mug of steaming coffee appeared in the machine, filling the room with a warm smell.

"How did you do that!" Jim said in shock as he jumped up from the bed.

"Simple, I ordered it." Bones aid slowly, watching as Jim stared at the machine.

"But, but, I've tried ordering that nine times already and-" Jim stopped mid sentence, turning and glaring at Bones who quickly out the mug down before it was chucked at him.

"Computer!" Jim hollered. "What's the status for replicator privileges for James Kirk."

"_Replicator privileges for Cadet James Kirk are restricted to 'lima beans' under the order of Doctor Leonard McCoy."_

Bones couldn't stop laughing even as he was wrestled onto the bed, Jim's face murderous.

V.

Bones sighed wearily as he all but fell into his dorm room, calling out for the lights to be turned on as he chucked his stuff down. Looking around the room he was little disappointed to see that Jim wasn't there, even though he knew that he had a combat class that evening and wouldn't be home till late. Stretching out his arms he winced as his joints clicked. It was too early to be going to sleep, he decided, plus he really didn't like sleeping before Jim came home anymore, (he preferred not to think on that too much).

Falling into a chair, he pulled his padd towards him, deciding he might as well check his emails while he waited. He smiled as he saw a message from Joanna, opening it and replying, the whole time feeling a warm glow in his chest. He missed his little girl so much sometimes.

His eyes gazed down the rest of the list. He frowned as he saw a message for a "lonely hearts" company and promptly deleted it, cursing stupid companies sending stupid advertisements. He didn't notice anything else odd until he neared the end of the list and saw not one, but four other messages from the same company. He frowned deeper and it a moment of probable stupidity, opened the first of them up.

"_To Leonard, _

_I was instantly intrigued by your ad, you seem like a wonderfully intelligent and adventurous person, I would love to hear more about your work in galactic plants. Your story about your trip to all those amazing planets was defiantly exciting, though tell me, is there no chance of fixing your leg?_

_Hope to hear from you Leo, I know we could have a lot in common._

_Missy x_

"Missy?" Bones gaped, staring at the screen like it had grown three heads and was talking to him. His leg? What the hell was wrong with his leg, despite himself he looked down at them before tutting as he realised he knew full well his legs were fine. He quickly deleted the message, fearful as he looked at the remaining two. Shaking his head he deleted them both, not thinking he could stomach looking at them after the first.

Tossing the padd on the dresser he ran a weary hand across his face, deciding that the messages had obviously gone to the wrong person, some fault in the system. Laying down on his bed, he sighed as he sank into the pillow. Just as he was about to fall in to a small doze, he hear the distinct sound of his door chiming. Grumbling, he forced himself up and padded across the room.

"Yes?" He said as the door slid open, knowing it was not Jim as he had the code and not really wanting to see anyone else. In front of him stood a petite woman, he eyes bright green and bush of curly blonde hair. She smiled happily at him.

"Hi, I'm Lizzie." She beamed.

Bones stared at her, confused. "Erm, hi?" He said frowning. The woman's face seemed to fall a little.

"From the lonely hearts site?" She supplied. Bones gaped, in shock at the statement. The emails were one thing but this, this was ridiculous.

"I think you have the wrong room." He said after he recovered from the surprise, feeling a little embarrassed to be standing here in front of her.

"Really? You are Leonard McCoy right, he said you lived he." She said, smiling dropping away.

"Yeah that's me but-" He paused. "Wait, who told you?" He asked, dreading the answer because suddenly this was making so much more sense.

"A man I saw on the stairs, said his name was Kirk." The woman shrugged, fiddling with her purse. Bones felt bad for her for a moment, but his anger at Jim taking a higher place over that.

"I'm sorry but I think there has been a mistake, I never filled out an ad. I think a friend was trying to play a joke on me." He said, trying to convey sincerity. The woman nodded sadly and Bones couldn't help but wish he didn't have to make her feel like. He apologised again and quickly closed the door, escaping back into the room. He listened as her footsteps walked away and let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

It took little over two hours before Jim dared come to the room. Needless to say, he wasn't expecting the padd that was flung at him as he walked through the door.

VI.

Bones had thought it was the perfect idea at the time, was quite pleased that he actually managed to pull it off since Jim never usually let him come anywhere near him with a hypospray without a very good reason. He never thought he would fall the excuse that _yes,_ this hypospray will make him be able to concentrate better in his exams. Bones had laughed so hard his sides hurt as Jim had been fine up until five minutes he went to walk out the door.

"Err, Bones? Why do my feel like I'm walking on cotton wool?" Jim asked confused, staring down at his feet as he nearly fell over walking to the door.

"What do you mean?" Bones chuckled.

Jim gaped at him. "Bones! That's not fair!" He cried, catching on quick what was going on. Bones just grinned and folded his arms smugly.

"You deserve it, besides, you started all this."

"I did not!" Jim said indignantly. Bones raised his eyebrow at him. "Okay fine, but I've got an exam today Bones."

"And you'll do fine like always." Bones said dismissively, aiming to walk past Jim to leave for his own classes.

"But _Bones!_" Jim whined, trying and failing to grab hold of the man as he wobbled on the spot. Bones snorted as he opened the door, casting one last look at Jim's shocked face. He chuckled as he walked down the stairs. He knew Jim would be fine, it was only a spray to boost circulation in feet, generally used in old patients. Jim would have a wobble on him, but it wouldn't be painful, just annoying. Bones smirked, sure he had finally won this game.

Jim groaned as he awoke, aching all over and frowning, trying to remember why. His mind brought up the previous day and he pouted as he remember the spray Bones had given him. It was a miracle he had even managed to get to his exam, what with falling over every ten seconds. His class mates had found it beyond funny of course. Bones has assured him by morning it would of worn off though so he couldn't really stay mad at him for long.

Groaning as he tried to move, he gasped as pain laced up his body, stinging his muscles and feeling like his skin was on fire. His mind tried in vain to pull up a reason but he couldn't focus past the agony that was slowly spreading through him.

" B'nes." He attempting to call, his breath catching in his throat as he clenched his eyes shut. With great effort he lifting his arm, blindly trying to push Bones and get his attention . Bones groaned as his hand fell on his shoulder, fidgeting and pushing the limb away.

"S'too early Jim." Bones moaned, already curling back into sleep. Jim fought the tears that threatened to fall down his face as the pain seared up his legs and knotted his stomach.

"Bones." He forced himself to say more strongly, the words punctuated by a gasp of pain. He felt Bones shift next to him and prayed to god that he was waking up.

"What is it Jim, I'm trying to sleep." Bones said groggily turning but it was too dark to see. Jim just whimpered despite himself and that seemed to work because Bones stiffened, his body pushing sleep away in an instant.

"Lights to sixty percent." He called quickly, cursing as he caught sight of Jim. Jim tried in vain to turn his face from the light, his body protesting as he moved.

"God Jim." Bones gasped, pressing a hand to Jim's forehead. "You're burning up." Bones mind went into Doctor mode in an instant, pulling Jim's eyelids back and feeling his pulse. "You're hearts beating too fast." He said, voice laced in worry.

Jim felt hands pulling his head round, holding it up and he felt Bones look down from above him.

"Jim? I need you to open you're eyes okay, Jim come on." Bones said trying to keep his voice as calm as he could manage. Jim hissed but forced his eyes open an inch, almost wishing he hadn't at the look of fear on Bones face.

"Can you tell me what hurts Jim?" Bones asked softly, hands running soothingly through jims hair to keep his attention.

Jim whimpered again. "Everywhere, god, hurts Bones."

"I know, I got you, I got you." Bones soothed, pulling out his tricorder and running it over Jim's body. His eyes widened as the results filled his screen, making him feel like he was going to be sick.

"What?" Jim forced out, body starting to shake. Bones seemed speechless as he moved about, grabbing his med kit and loading a hypospray. Jim flinched as it was pressed into his neck, the normal small sting enhanced ten fold. A cool cloth was pressed to his forehead and Jim sighed at the instant effect the cold water had. From the corner of his eye he could see Bones settle back on the bed, running his hands over Jims skin and rubbing. For a moment pain flared but it soon started to settle down as whatever was in the spray kicked in. Jim couldn't help but sigh.

It was a while before even of them spoke again, eventually it was Jim who did first. As his body began to settle back down to normal, he craned his neck to try and catch Bones in the eyes and frowned as he avoided them.

"Bones?" He tried. "Bones, what's wrong? I'm okay now, you fixed me."

Bones sighed, finally looking down at his lover and Jim was taken back by the guilt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Jim." Bones said sadly, reaching out and running a hand through Jims hair. "It was my fault, you had an allergic reaction to hypo I gave you yesterday. I swear if I had known, I would never, I wouldn't."

"Hey, hey," Jim shushed. "I know you didn't do it on purpose."

"Was stupid, I shouldn't of done it to start with. It was cruel and I just wanted to get back at you but I shouldn't of put you through that." Bones said in one go, his voice wavering as he spoke. Jim looked at Bones sadly and reached up, catching his cheek in his hand.

"Hey, no more pranks yeah? From either of us?" He said, smiling as he looked the man in the eye. Bones stared at him, before smiling himself, sighing heavily and leaning into the hand.

"Yeah, no more pranks."

Jim grinned, curling over and burying himself in Bones' side. He giggled. "Though as far as pranks go, I like this one, least now I can make you take care of me all day."

Bones grinned and curled round Jim. "Always darlin'."

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